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Looks like Justin is on leave from Iraq and he hasn't bothered to see Vincent at all. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my entire life. He was the one so indignant about the whole adoption plan and he won't even see his son. I've never planned on spending my life in Montana as the lifestyle simply doesn't suite me but I had come to the conclusion to stay in Montana long enough so Justin could spend time with his son. Fuck that now. He obviously doesn't deserve contact if he's acting this way. If he wants to see him he can fly out to visit him.
Current Mood:
pissed off pissed off
Current Music:
30 Seconds From Mars-Secret
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Should I talk about the fact that my illusions about my mother being a wonderful self-sacrificing nurtuerer is a bunch of bullshit I constructed to justify everything and keep me feeling safe or the fact that the only real male inffluence my son has is my stepfather who only hangs around because he's married to my mom.  What if she dies?  I can't see him sticking around.  He lives for her not us...and where would that leave Vincent? 
Current Mood:
distressed distressed
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The more I think about it the more I realize that I am a masochist in almost every sense of the word.  I have a difficult time finding types of pain that I don't appreciate at least in some sense.  Even emotionaly pain causes me a type of ecstacy.  Sometimes I think the only time I am truely living is when I'm in pain. 
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive-Goo Goo Dolls

I've been told by some people in BDSM community in Missoula that I am an extremist when it comes to pain.  I guess I can understand the thought process.  Edge play does seem to pose more of an interest to me than the softer forms of S&M.  It's a way of connecting and detatching from the world at the same time.  I dunno if I really believe I'm an extreme pain slut like I've been told.  Sometimes I think those people are just too soft.  And then I wonder maybe I'm just too hard. 

In some ways my pain tolerance has benifited me greatly.  Alot of people are turned off by excersize because of the discomfort your body goes through.  For me it's just another way to push my body.  A new kind of pain to explore.  Sometimes I excersize until my legs have difficulty supporting the rest of my body.  Leave it to me to turn a positive activity into a negative one. 

Pain doesn't make me cry but hapiness does-Eagle Eye Cherry
Current Mood:
tired tired
Current Music:
The buzzing of silence
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I feel sooo sad.  Like a dark pressure it's leaning all over me.  Since I moved back home I haven't been using meds anymore.  My parents don't approve and they'd make my life hell if I tried to find one.  And since they take me everywhere, I guess they call the shots.  I don't even miss missoula anymore.  It just hurts so bad I just wish I could stop exsisting, at least for a little while.
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
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Life Soundtrack Do OverCollapse )
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
Current Music:
KoRn-Lies
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I feel like I'm going nuts!  I think Vincent is coming down with something because he's been so cranky all day.  I just recently was able to get him to go to sleep.  He always fights sleep, but I've never seen him fight sleep so hard before.  *Sighs*  I hope he gets over this soon it's not also phsyically exauhsting to me but psychologicaly as well. 
Current Mood:
exhausted exhausted
Current Music:
Vincent's lulliby music
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Current Status:7
I've been losing myself in the sims again. The only time I'm not doing something sim related is when Vincent needs me. I think part of me is relieved that I have a reason to pry myself away from this game. It's so easy to block my emotions and thoughts about anything serious when I'm in my Sim world. If it wasn't for Vincent, I'd probably spend most of my day on the computer.

He has been such a gift to me. I don't think I ever knew anything of love until I gave birth to him. When I first found out that I'd be having a boy I was worried that I'd take all my resentment towards men out on him and he'd end up hating his own gender because of me. I quickly realized shortly after his birth that this wasn't going to be an issue because I love him to pieces. I am able to seperate my negative experiences from men when I interact with him for some reason. This surprises me as I've never been able to seperate my past experiences with men when I interact with guys in the past. It doesn't matter if they are my friends or lovers, I always hold a wall between them and me. No matter how sweet they are, I just can't bring myself to trust them. I'm always wondering when they'll fuck up.

Read more...Collapse )
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Current Status:6
I'm feeling a lot better than I was a few days ago. I think part of the reason I was feeling so crappy was the fact that I was away from Vincent. My family tells me Vincent wasn't too happy about my abscence either. The next time I go to Missoula, I won't stay longer than a week. Staying longer is just too hard on both of us. I was getting irritated with people by the end of my stay for no good reason. The whole situation was bad. Speaking of Vincent I added a picture of him to my userpics. Isn't he cute!?!
Current Location:
Bigfork
Current Mood:
content content
Current Music:
Beethoven music
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VoicePost
198K 1:02
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Current Status:9
Well, I'm upset with Justin again. Damn, that didn't take long did it? The worst part is I only sort of know why I'm mad at him. He called me yesterday while I was talking to Vincent leaving a msg to call him back. When I do he tells me he "got busy" and that he'll call me later. Something feels very wrong to me about this. In my experience it's never a good thing for you when somebody tells you they got busy. Especialy when it comes to Justin. I think he's decieving me in some way, shape or form. Dickhead. I wish I didn't hate him so much because then I wouldn't love him either. I think I'll call him today and try to pick his brain and figure out what that bastard is up to. That is, unless he "gets busy" again tonight. Prick.
Current Mood:
angry angry
Current Music:
Santa Monica-Theory of a Deadman
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