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I thought the meds were working....FUCK!

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Megan talked me into to lying to my doctor to get an Aderral script because she thought it would help me. At that point, I was so low functioning that I was willing to try anything just so that I had the energy to get the basic stuff accomplished again. The meds that are supposed to treat bipolar disorder had severe lethargy effects and I was still struggling under the weight of them even after being off of them for about a month. I didn't get adderal but he did prescribe me Vyvanse, which is supposed to be higher quality form of adderal and I responded to it as if I really had ADD. I know quite a few friends who are actually diagnosed with it and are on meds that I compared notes to and we respond pretty much the same way. Fuck for all I know maybe I actually have ADD or maybe not. Honestly it doesn't really matter because it works the way it's supposed to. The first few months on the meds were the best months I've had in over a decade.

I had no idea how disorganized and chaotic my mind was until I took vyvanse. Now my mind is one coherent stream of thought after the next. My mind is so clear now. Before I had several thoughts going around in my head at once that constantly crashed into each other, or got entangled with one another. It was so overwhelming and I never want to go back to that. Not only can I think better but I actually have energy now so I can actually do basic functioning tasks like cook for myself. I know it doesn't sound like much but when you are unable to and are suddenly given the ability it's a big deal. I feel like I have my personality back. I'm interested in music again and started working on my guitar. Social interaction has become a lot easier and I've become very talkative. I still have anxiety but I'm not so overwhelmed by it that I run and hide from the problem. All of a sudden I have the problem solving skills to bypass an obstacle. I noticed that I still cycled a little bit but it was so minor that I didn't think it would be a problem. I figured the meds suppressed it enough to where it wasn't a big deal. I was kind of hoping that the problem all along was that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder all along and that I really had ADD. The problem would have already been fixed and I wouldn't have to do mess with any more meds after this. I was really hoping the cycling I noticed was a misinterpretation. It wasn't. I'm still cycling and the cycles are getting progressively stronger. FUCK!

I'm swallowed up by this feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I just wish I could lay down and die. I thought I was done with this shit. I just want to sit around and just cry all day. That's all I want to do is cry cry cry. I'm not interested in music anymore. Nothing is bringing me pleasure. It started on monday but it was very subtle feeling of sadness. I thought it was a little strange but I figured since I'm so empathetic I thought I was picking up someone else's sorry. I mean, I don't have anything to be sad about. My life is going so good right now. It's gotten progressively worse each day. I didn't even practice guitar last night because I was so down and I feel horribly guilty about that. I have therapy today so I'm hoping like hell it'll work. The last session was immensely beneficial so I think there's a chance I'll be okay. At least that's how I feel logically, emotionally I feel like all is lost. I don't want to mess with meds anymore. I'm happy with the vyvanse and I don't want to screw with anything else, I'm so sick of being a lab rat. Hopefully Evey will help me manage my bipolar symptoms so I won't need any more meds. I've been eating better and excersizing, but considering I feel like shit now I guess it's not enough. Oh God I hope this session helps or I am so fucked.
Current Location:
ADSUM Office
Current Mood:
depressed depressed
Current Music:
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