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Esoteric

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The cranial sacral session went really well on friday. I didn't feel sad anymore after it so that makes it a success in my book. She thinks the sadness had to do with trauma in the womb and I don't know what to think about that. That seems a little out there for me. I mean, I believe the body can remember certain traumas if you reposition yourself in the same posture that triggers that memory and feeling. So I could go with some deep seeded fear resurfacing if I had too much pressure on my head in-vitro if I found myself in a situation where I had the same pressure on my head, but honestly you could make the argument that any sane person with pressure on there head would respond in an emotional way I suppose. She thinks the head pressure is related to me picking up the fact that a baby before me had been aborted. She thinks that's why Ihe I'm sad. Why the hell would sadness represent head pressure? Why would I be carrying that around that kind of burden? I wasn't even born yet, my brain wasn't even developed enough to retain memories. Could it have been developed enough to retain emotions? God I hope she's not feeding me a bunch of bullshit cause I really like her and I know not all of it is wrong. She certainly has strong energy. I can feel it pulsing all around her. Her grounding keeps me from astral projecting when doing cranial sacral work. She certainly has some power to her. What I need to know is if she throws in some smoke and mirrors to confound the weak of mind. It's easy to do. Especially if your an empath and she certainly is.

It's too bad the sadness has come back though. I think the therapy just temporarily suppressed it, which is a shame. We talked about it and she says I need to take time out to feel sad and cry. Fuck, I've tried to do that all weekend. I listened to songs that usually make me cray and I got a little but not much. It flowed right through me in a matter of minutes and it was like it was never there at all. I've had times during the day where something made me emotional and I've wanted to cry but they were all very inappropriate times. I tried to cry tonight too and nothing. Evey told me to take time to be sad and I told her that I'd try. She told me not to try and to just do. I don't think I really got it then but I've been doing some thinking and maybe the problem is that I'm trying to control the situation too much? Perhaps taking designated time to cry and planning it is numbing me up somehow? But I can't just let emotion take over whenever. There are appropriate times for these things and inappropriate times. I don't know how to handle this.
Current Location:
My bedroom
Current Mood:
confused confused
Current Music:
Staind-Excess Baggage
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Megan talked me into to lying to my doctor to get an Aderral script because she thought it would help me. At that point, I was so low functioning that I was willing to try anything just so that I had the energy to get the basic stuff accomplished again. The meds that are supposed to treat bipolar disorder had severe lethargy effects and I was still struggling under the weight of them even after being off of them for about a month. I didn't get adderal but he did prescribe me Vyvanse, which is supposed to be higher quality form of adderal and I responded to it as if I really had ADD. I know quite a few friends who are actually diagnosed with it and are on meds that I compared notes to and we respond pretty much the same way. Fuck for all I know maybe I actually have ADD or maybe not. Honestly it doesn't really matter because it works the way it's supposed to. The first few months on the meds were the best months I've had in over a decade.

I had no idea how disorganized and chaotic my mind was until I took vyvanse. Now my mind is one coherent stream of thought after the next. My mind is so clear now. Before I had several thoughts going around in my head at once that constantly crashed into each other, or got entangled with one another. It was so overwhelming and I never want to go back to that. Not only can I think better but I actually have energy now so I can actually do basic functioning tasks like cook for myself. I know it doesn't sound like much but when you are unable to and are suddenly given the ability it's a big deal. I feel like I have my personality back. I'm interested in music again and started working on my guitar. Social interaction has become a lot easier and I've become very talkative. I still have anxiety but I'm not so overwhelmed by it that I run and hide from the problem. All of a sudden I have the problem solving skills to bypass an obstacle. I noticed that I still cycled a little bit but it was so minor that I didn't think it would be a problem. I figured the meds suppressed it enough to where it wasn't a big deal. I was kind of hoping that the problem all along was that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder all along and that I really had ADD. The problem would have already been fixed and I wouldn't have to do mess with any more meds after this. I was really hoping the cycling I noticed was a misinterpretation. It wasn't. I'm still cycling and the cycles are getting progressively stronger. FUCK!

I'm swallowed up by this feeling of sadness and hopelessness. I just wish I could lay down and die. I thought I was done with this shit. I just want to sit around and just cry all day. That's all I want to do is cry cry cry. I'm not interested in music anymore. Nothing is bringing me pleasure. It started on monday but it was very subtle feeling of sadness. I thought it was a little strange but I figured since I'm so empathetic I thought I was picking up someone else's sorry. I mean, I don't have anything to be sad about. My life is going so good right now. It's gotten progressively worse each day. I didn't even practice guitar last night because I was so down and I feel horribly guilty about that. I have therapy today so I'm hoping like hell it'll work. The last session was immensely beneficial so I think there's a chance I'll be okay. At least that's how I feel logically, emotionally I feel like all is lost. I don't want to mess with meds anymore. I'm happy with the vyvanse and I don't want to screw with anything else, I'm so sick of being a lab rat. Hopefully Evey will help me manage my bipolar symptoms so I won't need any more meds. I've been eating better and excersizing, but considering I feel like shit now I guess it's not enough. Oh God I hope this session helps or I am so fucked.
Current Location:
ADSUM Office
Current Mood:
depressed depressed
Current Music:
Evanescence-Lithium
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I really don't have much to do for spring semester because I took classes during winter break. The credits you take durring winter session counts toward your spring class load. This means I don't need to take more than 8 credits and I will still be considered full time! I'm taking 12 credits worth anyways but even those classes seem really easy. I'm taking an addictions class that I've heard from other people is an easy A even though it's a 300 level course. I'm also taking a disability class which is a 400 level class which looks pretty easy too. I've taken a class rom the teacher last semester and he held your hand through the whole semester. It's almost impossible to not pass his class. I'm also taking 3 credits worth of advanced supervised research but the hours are flexible and my lab supervisor seems too busy with his own stuff to keep a tight leash on his research students, so it'll be another easy A. Then I have a modern dance class and a belly dance conditioning class. Neither of which require work outside the class. My psych classes generally take up most of my time but it looks like I get to be a total slacker! Sound like I can work on more volunteer stuff. Which is probably a good thing because I don't have a whole lot of extra ciricular activities to put down when applying to grad school.
Current Location:
ADSUM office
Current Mood:
lonely lonely
Current Music:
my own tangled thoughts
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I called up Justin and tried to mend broken fences like my spirit guide asked. At first I felt very relieved, like a weight had been lifted and I was very excited about the possibilities the future may hold once this mess between Justin and I are cleared up. I thought that maybe we could be friends and that I could move on, graduate, get a good job and move on to bigger and better things. Justin told me he wanted to come see Vincent once a week, which seemed fine to me at the time. Now I'm starting to realize what seeing him in person might do to me and the thought of the emotional distress the visit will trigger has made me so anxious that I am currently very nauseous. I hid in my neighbors house and drank and smoked with her in an attempt to ease my anxiety. I thought that maybe if I talked about it with friends it would make me feel better, but it hasn't. Everytime I try to explain how I am feeling I can never articulate it well enough to actually release any of my fears. I always fall painfully short of how I actually feel and since I never was able to truely express what's going on, the emotion is never released and is left to fester inside me. I really don't see the point in trying to accomplish anything on campus as I can't pay attention to what's going on anyways. I'd rather hide in my house until I absolutely have to leave to pick my son up. The problem is that I can't bring myself to leave campus. I feel like such a slacker doing something like that, but at the same time what can I really absorb in my condition anyway. I need to find a way to deal with this anxiety. My coping skills are failing miserably and I need to find a way to deal with this or I'll never get anything accomplished.
Current Location:
UC Computer Lab
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
Current Music:
Stephen Lynch-Gerbil Song
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A lot of the dream that I remember is a chunks of random pieces that don't seem to fit too well so it's difficult to explain. I remember being in a University psych office. I was trying to find information about becoming a dance therapist and I was trying to get certain tasks done that my dance therapist advisor asked me to. In real life I have no dance therapist advisor but for some reason I did in my dream. He was dissappointed in my finished projects which was devastating to me. However, he did tell me that he saw potential in me and that I could be a dance therapist if I only applied myself and that he believed in me and blah, blah, blah. You get the point. I felt better after he gave me the pep talk. The next thing I know, I'm on the computer looking at a profile online that reminded me of Justin. It seemed to me that I was keeping tabs on him but I have no clue why. It kind of reminded me when I was still with Justin and he was off in Iraq and I'd constantly look for updates on his myspace page. Then I remember going to sleep in my dream and through my dream I ended up at his house, or at least it was his house in the dream and he wasn't there. The place had almost no furniture in it and it was pitch dark and the floor and walls were all dark mahogony wood. I don't remember exactly what I did in that house but I think I may have done some snooping around. All I know for sure is that whatever I found it that house greatly upset me. Then I remember going to sleep the next night and being back at his house again except this time he was home. I was enraged and appaulled just by the sight of him and I remember yelling at him. I don't remember everything that I yelled at him about but I do remember complaining to him that his baby (it wasn't Vincent it was some other baby) didn't have enough oxygen to breath and it was all his fault. I questioned his competence as a caretaker and told him he should just give the baby to me and that I would take care of it much better than he ever could. I remember how devastated he looked and how defeated he was. Then I woke up. The entire dream is incredibly upsetting to me and what makes matters worse is that I can't figure out the interpertation. Usually once I figure out what it means I feel so much better but I can't even do that. It's so odd, I don't think I've ever not been able to come up with some interpertation before. I did a bit of consultation with my spirit guide and he seems to think the dream has to do with the conflict me and Justin have concerning Vincent. I'm a little dubious about that as the baby I yelled at him about was not Vincent and he wasn't present in the dream at all. However, I guess it's better than nothing.
Current Mood:
distressed distressed
Current Music:
Switchfoot-Daisy
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Music has the uncanny ability to evoke emotions from me that comes out of nowhere. In reality I'm sure those feelings had been harbored in my subconcious all along, but it doesn't change the fact that it feels like it appears out of thin air. *Shrugs* Maybe I'm just really efficient at suppressing everything. Perhaps this ability is the main reason why I have distanced myself from music so much. My CD case is dust filled and discared in a corner of my room and has been for quite some time. I think the old me would kick my ass for such careless disregard of a collection I had put so much time and love into since I was in junior high. I don't even know how to defend myself on that respect, I guess life just got ahold of me.
Current Location:
Mansfeld Library
Current Mood:
indescribable indescribable
Current Music:
"Valentine's Day,"-Linkin Park
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Monday night my cell phone rings displaying a number that wasn't in my contact list. I debated whether or not to answer it since answering a phone call from a number that's not in your contact list is usually trouble. Then again, sometimes it can end up being a nice surprise. It could be from a friend you haven't heard from in awhile calling you from a different phone. By examining the area code I gathered that this person calling was from my state at the very least and that last fact was enough to convince me to answer the phone. It was probably Matt or somebody as cool as Matt calling from somebody eles's phone to say hi. I answer the pnone.

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Current Location:
Mansfield Library
Current Mood:
enraged enraged
Current Music:
"Sober"-Tool
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I'm a little apprehensive about writing anything at all because I'm not exactly sure what to say. Talking about my mundane, everyday stuff just seems pointless to me. Unfortunetly, it's the only thing I can think about. But, since I'm trying to get back into updating this thing I guess mundane is gonna have to do.

Everything was pretty much due at the begining of this week so it's been hell for me. I was even required to e-mail a rough draft to my research paper on Veteran's day observed and the University wasn't even open that day. I can't stand my teacher, she's so unreasable. This lady has an attitude that the only important class you are taking is her class. So she ends up assigning us a lot of big projects and assigns us essays and readings in the middle of the big projects like we don't have anything better to do. In reality, her class is on the bottom of my priority list since it's mostly just busy work anyway. It's like fucking high school all over again. I'm a psych major not an english major for crying out loud! My writting skills aren't equisite but I write pretty decent content and know the basics in convention. Proffessors in other classes are more concered with the content than grammar and conventions anyways.
Current Location:
Mansfield Library
Current Mood:
drained drained
Current Music:
"Rockstar,"-Nickelback
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I've realized that I am usually on a campus computer quite often during school. I start off working on something that has to do with my classes but often times I have time left over before my next class starts. The left over time is usually spent on surfing the web. I've realized that I probably could have spent that time writing an entry on here. Ooops. I'm trying to get more regular on here but getting my shit together is harder than anticipated.

I've been a little overwelmed about my workload and it left me slacking off on other things in my life. Unfortunetly, I tend to me a little extreme in my behavior. I have a difficult time finding that ever elusive happy medium. In order for me to find it I have to experience both extremes to their full potention. Only then can I find an appropriate middle ground. I think I'm starting to get a hang of the workload, at least to some degree. Hopefully, this is leading to a way to balance house work, child rearing, classwork and recreation without me having to sacrifice sleep in order to do so. LOL. I can dream anyways.
Current Location:
Campus
Current Mood:
weird weird
Current Music:
"Nowhere Kids" Smile Empty Soul
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After talking to a friend yesterday, I realized I needed to start updating on this thing again. I've been using this journal since Junior High and I still remember the benefits of updating, but at the same time I keep getting distracted. I'm always being pulled in many different directions all at once and it seems alot of the time I have to let some demands suffer in order to meet the demands of other aspects. I'm working on finding a balance but a lot of trial and error seems to have to happen to me in order for me to find that happy medium. After all, going to extremes has always been so much easier for me. I'm either quiet and reserved or loud and obnoxious, numb and cold or a neurotic bitch.

I think the hardest part for me in juggling school and being a mom is finding time for myself and arranging times to socialize. Anytime I do this I feel guilty because I could have used that time to clean the house, study or spend time with Vincent. This causes me to start ignoring my needs and I end up falling apart in the process and become unable to do anything productive. The whole thing is a vicious cycle.
Current Location:
Mansfield Library
Current Mood:
tired tired
Current Music:
song to a children's show
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